Any News Figgis Agency?
by Red Witch
Summary: Current events provide some interesting discussions. In the case of the Figgis Agency, a little too interesting.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters made the news. This is just something that ran through my tiny brain while I was bored one weekend. **

**Any News Figgis Agency? **

"I'll tell you one thing about not having clients," Ray remarked as the Figgis Agency was relaxing in the bullpen. "I'm certainly catching up on my reading."

Lana looked over from her newspaper to look at Ray reading a magazine in another chair. "Ray…I'd hardly call Fabulous Feline Cape Designs reading of any kind."

Ray sniffed. "I will have you know Ms. Priss that this is the official magazine for gay cat fanciers and owners. If I get another cat, I will definitely consider one of these outfits…"

"Maybe you can make one that will match?" Cheryl quipped. She was reading a tabloid magazine and stretched out on the couch.

"What makes you think I don't **already** have one that matches?" Ray asked.

"Touché," Cheryl said.

"I think what Lana means…" Cyril began as he put down his newspaper.

"Cyril I can explain **myself**," Lana gave him a look.

"You have been for **years,**" Cheryl remarked. "Keep explaining until you come up with something believable."

Krieger spoke up. "I think what Lana means is that we should all be reading some more informative magazines."

"Dirt **is **an informative magazine!" Cheryl protested. "It tells all the latest scandals and celebrity divorces."

"I'm talking about regular news," Krieger added.

"Who wants to read about **that?"** Cheryl groaned. "It's bad enough we have to hear about it on TV. Why would we _read _about it? It's so depressing!"

"You should read newspapers and news magazines to be more informed," Lana said.

"Again…That's what TV and the Internet is for!" Cheryl said.

"She has a point," Ray admitted.

"On her head," Lana grumbled.

"You know newspapers are a dying medium right?" Ray asked.

"Well they wouldn't be if they put more comics in them!" Pam said. "Seriously, that's the only reason I look at the paper nowadays. Well that and my horoscope."

"Nobody's saying comics aren't fun," Krieger told them. "But you should read other material to be more informed of the world around you. Like me."

"Krieger we've **seen** the kind of magazines you read," Cyril said. "Honestly I have no idea **what world** you're reading about but it sure as hell isn't **this one!"**

"What the hell are you reading?" Ray asked Krieger.

Krieger showed him. "It's the latest issue of Girls and Corpses! This week's centerfold is in a New Orleans cemetery!"

"I rest my case," Cyril groaned. "Which is what the prosecution will probably say."

"It wouldn't kill you to read a newspaper," Lana said.

"You don't know that!" Cheryl snapped.

"She's right," Ray said casually. "It could overload her remaining braincell."

"Exactly!" Cheryl nodded. "Ka-Blam! Aneurysm!"

"If only," Cyril muttered under his breath. "Hope springs eternal."

"This is interesting," Lana read the newspaper. "It says that more brides are renting their wedding dresses because it's more affordable."

"That would be **perfect **for you," Pam said. "You know? If you and Archer ever tie the knot."

"Please!" Cheryl waved as she read her magazine. "The only knot those two would tie would be around each other's necks."

Ray shrugged. "She ain't wrong."

"Okay you know…?" Lana began.

"Here's an interesting news item," Cyril interrupted.

"Read by an uninteresting person," Cheryl added.

"Did you have an extra helping of Bitch Flakes today?" Cyril snapped.

Cheryl thought. "I don't remember…"

"As I was saying…" Cyril went back to his paper. "There's an article here on the effects of trade tariffs on goods from Mexico."

Cheryl held up an article. "There's an article in here about the effects of Tori Taplin's college admission scandal has on her daughter's makeup company. Guess which one people want to read about **more**?"

"She's not wrong," Ray admitted.

"Do you know what the most popular ice cream flavor is?" Pam asked. "According to Popular News Stuff Now Dot Com?"

"Cookies and cream," Lana added. "This paper has that same article too."

"Score one for the newspapers," Ray said.

"I think technically that one is a tie," Krieger mused.

"It says here that studies show incompetent rich people are more likely to get ahead," Lana paused. "Tell me something I **don't know**!"

"Duh!" Cheryl laughed.

"We've **all **seen proof of that," Cyril agreed. "Who the hell put out **that study?** And how much did they pay for it?"

"Because I could have probably done it for **half** the cost!" Krieger added.

"Probably by rich incompetent people," Ray remarked casually.

"It says here the study was done by social scientist professors and analysts from several universities," Lana said. "Backed by government grants."

"Case closed," Ray quipped.

"There's a recall of several thousand pounds of Stanford Chicken Snacks," Lana read.

"I thought those things tasted a little off last night," Pam blinked.

"Here's an article about what will happen when and if social security shuts down," Cyril looked at his paper.

"Let me guess," Ray raised an eyebrow. "Nobody gets money anymore?"

"Do we get social security money?" Pam asked. "I'm seriously asking."

"I don't know," Cyril said. "A lot of what we do isn't technically classified as work."

"Unless you count putting up with you people," Lana sighed. "Then by that measure I should get over a million dollars."

"I'm not so sure it's worth the hassle," Pam said. "I have an aunt who worked like a dog all her life. You know how much she gets a month in social security? Less than forty dollars!"

"I get more than that in coupons from department stores!" Ray was stunned.

"Didn't your aunt have a pension or something?" Cyril asked. "That can cut into social security."

"Yeah but that barely amounts to diddly squat!" Pam said.

"_Diddly squat?"_ Lana asked. "Don't you mean shit?"

"No," Pam shook her head. "Technically diddly squat is one level above shit. Which is what my aunt made."

"Oh," Lana nodded her head. "I see."

"Mostly because she was smart enough to steal office supplies," Pam added. "Really helped her savings."

"It does," Krieger nodded.

"Here's an article," Cyril read. "It's about possible CIA operations tampering with government policy of Durhan."

"Wait, **what?**" Lana did a double take. "Durhan as in…?"

"Those royal pains in the asses the CIA wanted to get fingerprints of?" Pam realized.

"What does it say?" Ray asked.

Cyril's eyes widened as he read. "According to this there have been some classified documents leaked that outline the CIA's plan in helping the government of Durhan squash a pro-democracy movement while also sidelining the royal family. Basically, keeping the prime minister and his cabinet in power."

"WHAT?" Lana shouted. _"Why?" _

Cyril read the paper. "Apparently so that the CIA could continue having an illegal black site set up in the country. Which also served as an unofficial embassy used for not only interrogating prisoners…But for secret meetings with rival clans and government officials. All without Durhan's parliament or the royal family's knowledge…"

"Oh my God…" Ray's jaw dropped.

"Holy political intrigue snacks!" Pam gasped.

"So that's **bad**?" Cheryl blinked.

"It's not good," Krieger shook his head.

Cyril read on. "Apparently there was this plan to steal the fingerprints and retinal scans of the Royal Family so that both the CIA and the Prime Minister could bypass some security measures as well as possibly blackmail members of the royal family for future cooperation."

"Even I know that's bad," Cheryl remarked. "Glad I didn't sell my house to them."

"THAT'S THE REASON I LOST MY HAND?" Ray shouted.

"Technically you lost it because Archer and Lana were screwing each other," Pam corrected him.

"Totally ignoring your pleas for help," Cheryl added cheerfully.

"That was…" Lana sputtered.

"Completely accurate?" Cheryl grinned.

"You and I are gonna have a long talk, sister!" Ray glared at Lana.

"Ooh! This should be good!" Krieger giggled.

"Yeah Lana being at the **other end** of a talk is a rare and wonderful sight," Cyril admitted.

"Cyril!" Lana protested. "SHUT UP!"

"Don't tell him to shut up!" Ray snapped. "YOU SHUT UP!"

"Don't tell her to shut up!" Pam snapped. "YOU SHUT UP!"

"EVERYBODY **SHUT UP**!" Lana shouted. "And we need to focus on the bigger problem."

"She's right," Cyril said. "Technically Ray it was Archer that ignored you more than Lana so if you want to punch him in the stomach while he's in his coma…"

Lana glared at Cyril. "_Seriously?"_

"What?" Cyril protested. "It could be therapeutic. I…Have heard that it might be."

"It is," Cheryl grinned.

"WHAT?" Lana shouted.

"Only once or twice while Ms. Archer was distracted or not in the room," Cheryl said. "You'd be amazed how lousy security is on that floor."

"I know right?" Cyril asked. "I mean…"

"You guys hit Archer in the stomach **too**?" Pam asked.

"_Too?"_ Ray did a double take. "So, me and Krieger aren't the only ones?"

"WHAT?" Lana shouted. "Hang on!"

"Why you Krieger?" Pam asked. "What did Archer do to you?"

"Honestly I didn't want to be left out," Krieger shrugged. "And it was kind of my idea. See Ray was having a bad night accepting his bionics and I thought…"

"STOP!" Lana shouted. "Are you telling me that all of you hit Archer in the stomach while he was in a coma at one point or another?"

"And you _didn't?"_ Ray challenged.

Lana paused. "It was his balls. What? I wore gloves! I didn't want to catch anything."

"Damn it!" Cheryl snapped her fingers. "I should have done that!"

"Me too," Ray snickered.

"Okay here's the deal…" Lana sighed. "We are all going to give each other a pass on this. As far as I'm concerned, these confessions **never happened**. We will never tell anyone or talk about it again! If only to focus on the bigger problem of us getting involved in _another _international incident! Deal?"

"Deal," Cyril nodded.

"Deal," Pam agreed.

"Deal," Ray and Krieger said as one.

"I totally forgot what we were talking about," Cheryl grinned. "I'm just messing with you. I know. But I'm gonna pretend I don't."

"Lucky for you," Ray sighed. "No one can tell the difference."

"Let's go back to **this…**" Lana pointed. "And if we're going to get arrested or not."

"That would put a crimp on my weekend plans," Krieger nodded.

"You have **plans?**" Pam asked. "I thought your weekends were mostly watching anime, eating takeout and screwing around?"

"I have to decide **what** anime to watch don't I?" Krieger retorted.

"We're going off track again," Cyril spoke up. "According to this article only a few CIA officials and the Prime Minister of Durhan are named. Nobody we know."

"Way to be informed Cyril," Cheryl snickered.

"But it's only a matter of time before there's an investigation, right?" Ray asked.

"It doesn't say," Cyril admitted.

"Yeah newspapers know **everything,**" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Wrong again, Lana!"

"Ms. Archer is going to throw a hissy fit when she finds out about this!" Ray groaned.

"Maybe she won't? It's just a minor article in a newspaper," Lana paused. "How far can it get? Which paper is that Cyril?"

"The New York Times," Cyril said as he looked at his collection of papers. "And there's another one in USA Today…And the Washington Post…And the LA Times…"

"Uh oh…" Ray blinked.

The following day…

"This is Grace Ryan of Wolf News with further fallout from what is now dubbed Durhan Gate," The popular female reporter spoke from behind a desk. "It has now been confirmed that the CIA **did** play a role in an attack on the Durhani Royal family in New York City over two years ago."

"Just say New York!" Pam called out. The Figgis Agency was watching on the large TV in the bullpen.

"Apparently the attack was a plot to get the fingerprints and retinal scans of the royal family," Grace kept reporting. "In order to better forge several government documents. Some of which involved illegal extradition and interrogation of prisoners. Many of them revealed to be Durhani journalists who speak out against the Durhani Prime Minister Amar Haladari's foreign policies."

"Notice we're watching this on a **TV** and not a newspaper," Cheryl remarked as she read a magazine.

"Shut up!" Lana glared at her.

"Prime Minister Haladari has now been arrested for high treason along with half of his cabinet," Grace reported. "Six other members are missing and reported possibly dead. Two have claimed asylum in other countries. And three more have committed suicide. Yet this is not enough to quell rumors of an anti-government revolution. There is a real possibly of a coup within the next month."

"Oh Geeze…" Cyril groaned. "**Another** coup we're responsible for."

"Even though the CIA has heavily denied any involvement in Durhan Gate…" Grace went on. "There is plenty of evidence to the contrary. Although most of the actual names of the agents who carried out the attack are unknown..."

"Thank you, Jesus," Ray sighed.

"There is an investigation into the CIA officials who have ordered the attack," Grace Ryan added. "The current director of the CIA has announced his resignation even though he claims he had not ordered the attack. But it was done on the initiative on some low-level CIA agents."

Agent Hawley was shown on television at a podium in a suit. "The CIA has no comment on the investigation into Durhan. We are currently investigating these claims."

"Investigating my ass!" Pam shouted. "You're looking for a scapegoat!"

"God, I hope he doesn't look our way," Ray groaned.

A female reporter asked. "According to the documents released by the hacker only known as Shining Child, they list not only the location of the secret black site operated by the CIA in Durhan…"

"Let me stop you right there," Hawley spoke up. "Technically black sites are secret by nature. Saying secret black site is redundant. Not that we have any in Durhan."

"Well not **anymore**," The female reporter remarked. "Since the Durhani army has just arrested everyone in that compound two hours ago."

"They did **what?**" Hawley did a double take. "How do you **know** this?"

"The Internet," The female reporter told him.

"BAM!" Cheryl cheered. "Suck it newspapers!"

"Shining Child?" Ray realized something. "Wait a minute…Krieger!"

"Uh oh…" Krieger winced.

"What?" Lana did a double take.

"She **didn't!"** Pam gasped.

"Uhh…." Krieger paused.

"**Who** didn't?" Cyril asked. "Guys what are you talking about?"

"Mitsuko's name means shining child in Japanese," Cheryl replied casually, not looking up from her magazine. "Or blessed child of light. Which fits since she's a hologram. But Shining Child sounds better. And is catchier."

"She does have that sort of shimmer, doesn't she?" Pam remarked.

"How do you three know **that?**" Cyril asked.

"We've read a lot of anime," Pam admitted.

"Ta da!" Mitsuko appeared. "Yay Mitsuko!"

"Oh, dear God…" Cyril groaned. "We're dead!"

"Don't worry," Mitsuko waved. "Mitsuko made sure your names are not involved. They don't even care about you. Just the people who ran everything. Much more interesting scandal."

"Why did you do this…?" Ray asked.

"Get revenge on CIA for Krieger-san," Mitsuko admitted. "Plus, I was bored."

"Been there," Cheryl admitted.

"Look," Hawley was clearly uncomfortable. "I'm sure there's a logical, reasonable explanation for all this. The CIA did not authorize any black sites in Durhan. And we certainly aren't responsible for the unfortunate attack on the royal family in New York."

"Then how do you explain the large amount of paperwork uncovered not only by Shining Child but in the raid on the Prime Minister's office?" A male reporter asked. "Where they discovered a list of not only journalists and dissidents to arrest, but pictures of the Prime Minister and the CIA Director at a groundbreaking ceremony at the black site?"

"They said it was for a **supermarket!**" Hawley shouted. "Yeah, that's what they do over there. Ask American government directors to groundbreakings for supermarkets!"

"They also go golfing with them apparently," Another female reporter spoke up. "According to several pictures recovered in the former prime minister's office."

"As well as many checks paid out to the CIA," The Male reporter went on. "With the note, for secret base to get rid of enemies."

"Who writes **that** in a checkbook?" Hawley blinked.

"They also found a contact list of several CIA officials," The Male reporter added. "Including your name and someone called Just Slater. Can you explain that?"

"This press conference is now **over**!" Hawley shouted as he shut off his microphone and practically ran back into the headquarters of the CIA building.

"Somebody's in trouble!" Pam snickered.

"I admit I'm a little conflicted," Lana said. "On the one hand I'm glad to see those CIA assholes get what they deserve. On the other hand…"

"You're worried about **our asses** if they ever found out that Mitsuko was tied to us," Pam added. "I saw where you were going with that."

"It gets worse," Ray frowned. "What if they turn on us? Try to implicate us with them?"

"They won't," Mallory walked in. "I made it **very clear** if they brought up our names for any reason or in any possible way, we would spill the beans on **everything** they hired us for. Including the Summer of Cocaine, Coups and Country Music!"

"Oh hey Ms. Archer…" Cyril gulped. "What's new?"

Everyone looked at Cyril. "Too soon?" Cyril moaned.

"Oh no," Mallory said sarcastically. "It's never too soon to clean up the messes my idiot squad made!"

"We had **nothing **to do with this!" Ray protested.

"Yeah we're not the one who blabbed!" Pam added pointing to Mitsuko.

"I figured that out when I found out the name of the hacker was Shining Child," Mallory glared at Mitsuko. "I guess it was shorter and catchier than Blessed Child of Light, even though that is more accurate. Since she's a hologram."

"How did **you **know that?" Lana asked.

"It was a crossword clue in the newspaper," Mallory admitted.

"Score one for newspapers," Krieger added.

"Krieger, I know you're not the type to order your Hologram Hacker to do this," Mallory growled. "So why **did she?"**

"She was bored and thought pointless revenge against those who wronged us would be fun," Krieger admitted.

Mallory paused. "Been there."

"I'm more concerned about where we are **going!**" Cyril snapped. "Hopefully not to jail!"

"They don't even know you people exist," Mitsuko waved.

"I envy them," Cyril sighed.

"You idiots are just lucky I confiscated all those tapes from Tunt Manor before the CIA did!" Mallory snapped. "Especially you Lana!"

"Why **me?**" Lana shouted.

"You know **why!"** Mallory shouted. "Especially what you both did to poor Ray!"

"YEAH!" Ray added.

Mallory snapped. "I may not be Ms. Gillette's biggest fan but even I think letting him nearly get eaten alive by Audrey Two's twin sister while you and Sterling have a quickie is too much!"

"It didn't eat **most** of him," Pam pointed out.

"You know…?" Ray glared at her.

"Why are you yelling at **me?"** Lana protested.

"Because Archer is in the **coma!**" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Duh!"

"Trust me," Mallory said. "When Sterling wakes up, I have plenty of things to say to him! I have a list which is growing longer every week!"

"No wonder the man is still in a coma," Ray remarked.

"This is **news** to you?" Cheryl asked.


End file.
